B3
Public Record
Excerpt from novel: with Abandon

marriage is

a contract.
binding and boundless
tax perks & mutual solipsism
melting selves into oneself
hair ties collecting on sills
crumbs in bedsheets
socks in cushions
burned toast
repeated toasts
retold stories &
pretending to hear them for the first time
grocery store in pajamas
expansive love
beggings for sympathy
maternal kisses
palms cupping necks kisses
drunken chin kisses
days with no kisses
in dependence of one another
confusing oneness
forgetful attraction
adaptive forgetfulness
beige love
stale love
kindling love
bellowing combustive love
lighted pyre love
drowning, asphyxiating, & then
petered-out love
one-sided love, like clutching,
like clawing, scraping-off-fingernails ignored
pushed away only for more clutching.
each selfish for selflessness
both forgetting the other's separateness.
able to be hurtful to the other
like able to hurt one's self.
easy, it’s like hurting my self.
oh god what have i done what have i said,
can i take it back?
no, never taken back,
always repressed
(like hurting myself)
in constant running thoughts
hushed eventually
but always there,
never unsaid.

marriage is a contract,
golden & riddled with perforations.
easily tearable,
sometimes terrible.
temperamental like pH:
either too basic or
too acidic but
sometimes just right.
sometimes — oh,
while You’re up
could You turn out the light then
scoop Yourself into me?
— perfect. just right.
goodnight, Love.
goodnight.

Frida Bilson