B95
Public Record
Excerpt from novel: with Abandon

the relief was self-actualizing.

i knew my self completely
after that shit i finally let out in the forest.
i held it in until i no longer could,
then gave up, squatly,
and as red filled up my face,
i saw my two fists clenching, struggling
to help everything except the shit in me
press out the shit in me.

i realized, squatly, that this shit
had wanted to come out of me all of this time;
there was no need to attempt to help it.
then, as i stopped pressing or pulling my anything,
it began to pour out from me in a spiral.
instantly i knew that
that was everything; it was over.
cleanup was one-half of one biodegradable baby wipe.
i didn’t even need the whole wipe.

all of that forcing out is what’s killing you,
i told myself.
it was a meaningful experience.

Frida Bilson