C44
Public Record
Excerpt from novel: Best Cellar

It turned out she had swallowed it, that bit of her tongue.

A piece of her tooth, too. Edith told me all about it when she got home.
I’m not sure how they found out,
whether they took an X-ray or she passed it or what.

“She was hysterical,” Edie said, “once they got her on a table.
She was screaming but nobody could make out the words,
and eventually they had to just pack her mouth with gauze and put her under.
She had this gigantic bruise beneath her jaw,
and her cheeks were all swelled up and purple.
When Ted finally got there and saw her,
he was as angry as he was confused,” she said.

“I’ll bet,” I said, wondering if I had folded up the tarp
and stashed it back in the garage. I had.

“He kept yelling at the woman at the front desk,
asking ‘Who dropped her off like this? Who did this to my wife?’ but nobody knew.
Bennett the security guard said the tape showed a guy in a hunting cap,
but they couldn’t make out a face.”

“How bizarre,” I said.
“What kind of bastard would do such a thing?”

“Some people,” she said.
Her eyes pressed on me for a minute.
“What did you do today?”

“You know, odds and ends.
I cleaned up the bathroom.
Got real deep into it.
We had some mold, I tell you.”

“You don’t say.”

“Like you wouldn’t believe.
Black stuff, too.
Probably poison.
Well anyway that’s all taken care of,
let’s put something on the tube.”

Now that I think about it
what she was looking for was remorse.
After a minute she said,
"She was wearing my bathrobe, you goddamn idiot."

My heart jumped ten stories and stopped altogether.
That was it.
That's what I was thinking right then.
It wasn't so much regret as much as already missing what I would never have again.
It was over and I never said goodbye.
She was yelling and I couldn't let her see my throat seizing up.
I put all my energy into keeping my chin from scrunching and bouncing.
My head became hot to the top of it, and my eyes were boiling over but I couldn't let her see.
Oh God, Edie. What we had.

"And Faye fucking Thompson? How long?"
Every breath was deliberate and long.
I thought of the scar on her ass cheek and how I would never see it again.
"Don't just look at me, you asshole.
Are you in labor right now because you look like you're in labor."
Inhales started bouncing.
"Answer me, how long? Since the Fourth?
Is that why you were all riled up when we got back?"

I stood to leave.

"Before that?
Oh you are a sick bastard.
Where the fuck do you think you're going?"

If I spoke I'd be nothing but snot and saltwater.
If I spoke I'd seal it.
Pour it and set it in stone.

Her breath started to shake.
She whispered this time,
"In our bed?"

And that did it.
My knees broke in half and I spilled out onto the tile.
What I was trying to say was
'I'm sorry I'm sorry oh god oh Edie I'm so fucking sorry oh god'
but it was all wheezing and inhales that sounded like a goddamn seal.
The worst part was that I knew she wanted to comfort me.
She couldn't stand to see me like this.
My lower back ached at the spot she would have put her hand.
The entire world has never felt so empty as my back reaching up for her hand.

Her bare feet went past slapping across the tile and I missed them too.
I missed her sniffling nose.
Her wet face.
Pushing our wet faces together when life was against the two of us
but at least we could drink each other's salt.
I missed it all.

My suitcase wailed against every step while my forehead cooled on the tile.
She dropped it by my face.

"How long?" she said.
"Seven months," I said.
"Jesus."
"I know."
"You know mixing bleach and ammonia is poisonous, right?"
"No."
"Upstairs smells like mustard gas. I'll bet you feel like shit."
"Yeah."
"Have you thrown up yet?"
"Yeah."
"The carpet looks terrible. You're such a goddamned asshole."
"Yeah."
"You're going to leave. You can get your stuff from the garage on Wednesday."
"Alright."
“You can sign the papers there too.”
And she left.

Wednesday I rented a truck and trailer and picked up my things.
A block away Faye and Tom were walking together and holding hands;
she was smiling with chipped teeth and he looked contentedly loved.
Edith's car was in the driveway but I couldn't see her inside.
I kept looking at the bedroom window to catch her watching me but I never did.

Thresher Charles