B50
Public Record
Excerpt from novel: with Abandon

Abandon,

you’ve asked me to write a hate letter
filled with vitriol and charcoal
and all the things i resent you for.
i could never do that, though;
i hate you too much.

this is that letter, ironically.
this page, in this book, that i hope you read loathfully.
this is how i deal with my hate:
in a skull and crossbones bottle
covered in dust and
moths caught in spiderwebs.

if i let you drink from this poison
it will use up anything i have
worth anything.

inside it holds the resentment and pain
and betrayal and mistrust that
i have saved and painstakingly liquified.
its taste is like rotten lemons and peroxide;
i become drunk on it each night, and
each morning it is miraculously refilled.
but i worry if you drink it you’ll think
"hmm, that wasn't so bad
i must be immune to the stuff.
i'll be thinking about how i should have
added in some deadly nightshade
and crushed oleander leaves;
maybe a dash of arsenic and
maybe some cumin to cover the taste.
my hate itself is inadequate.

if i gave this bottle away i'd have nothing left.
i'm selfish for my hate—
you understand.
it's the same way you are selfish for my love.

Frida Bilson