B57
Public Record
Excerpt from novel: with Abandon

a man made a commitment to his wife

that the last words she ever heard him say
would be 'i love you'
because, whoever died first, he wanted to make sure
that the last words he ever said to her
reflected how he truly felt,
and she made the same commitment to him

after every argument
and before every trip to the bar,
after every goodnight
and before any flight,
each said
'i love you.'

one night,
after she had said something
that upset him and
damaged his self,
they crawled into bed
and stared at the ceiling.
'we can't go to bed angry,'
he said, 'I love you.'
and the weight of her frustration
detached itself from her.
she put her hand on his cheek
and said, ‘I love you.'
and they fell asleep
on top of each other
lovefully.

it was the first thing they'd say
when they woke up
and they'd say it after dinner.
before every cigarette
or horror film,
always after they made love,
and at the beginning and end of every phone call.

after a while,
it got to the point that
pretty much the only thing
they said to each other was
'i love you.'
he wanted to ask about her day
and she wanted to tell him,
but who knows what might happen
the moment after they spoke?

on a quiet day
in the middle of August,
her father died.
she decided to take the risk and tell him.
she said quickly,
'my dad died; i love you.'
he said,
'i'm so sorry; I love you.'

they went to her father’s service
and the husband had a good conversation
with his brother-in-law
and his wife hit it off
with a friend of a friend.

when it was over, he took her in his arms
and said,
'I love you,'
and she cried and said
'I love you.'
and she cried and cried
because her dad was dead
and because she felt alone.
she told him,
'i love you.'
then he looked at her like
he knew what she meant
and told her,
'i love you.'
then squeezed her tightly
while she cried and cried.

one day he was pushed onto a subway rail
and his killer was never found.
before he left the house, though,
he had turned to her
seated in the dining room
and said,
'I love you,'
and without looking at him she replied,
'I love you.'

so it worked.
after all their efforts,
the last thing she ever heard him say
was that he loved her.
she will never forget it;
true love.

Frida Bilson